It's unnatural for a coffee table to eat things

While burning off some post-sick energy yesterday, Adeleigh started chasing Nubi around the house. When Adeleigh followed her under the coffee table to try and catch her, Nubi ran off, but Adeleigh got stuck behind. She started screaming and I told her that it was okay and that "Nubi might just need to be alone for a little bit. Let's play with something else." But Adeleigh didn't budge. She just screamed louder. I knelt down and saw that her chubby little legs were wedged in between the bottom rungs of the table. I worked for 10 minutes to try and wiggle them free. I started to panic. All I kept thinking was, Firemen will come out to free cats from trees and to free tongues from frozen flagpoles. Surely, they'd come out to free a toddler's legs from the wrath of the beastly coffee table. And then somehow, I managed to wiggle her free, leg by leg. It took 5 minutes to soothe my traumatized little girl.
I was so frustrated at the table for doing that to her, especially after she'd just had a brutal week of illness after illness, that I decided it was time we part ways with the table. It was taking up too much space in our condo anyway. I propped open the front door, and pulled the mega-ton table as hard as I could. Adeleigh could see the struggle in my face and came over to help push it all the way out. We high-fived as we walked back inside.
When Phaeton came home, he was sure to take it slow inside the front door, carefully evaluating what level of estrogen and girl power he was walking into. "Um, why is the coffee table on the porch?" I told him the traumatic event.
Phaeton - "Why don't we just take the rungs off the bottom of the table and call it good?"
Me - "Nope. Done."
Phaeton - "But that table and I have been through so much together."
Me - "Shhh." I put my finger up to his lips to shoosh him.
The evening carried on and I was loving the amount of floor space we now had in the living room. Adeleigh loved the extra football field of space to spread her toys around. Phaeton hated it. "I really miss being able to put my feet up on something while sitting on the couch." My response, "Hmm. That's too bad. You'll be fine, I'm sure."
When I went to tuck Adeleigh into bed and came back out of her room, I found that instead of him taking it down to the dumpster, Phaeton had carried the table back to its original resting place. I just shook my head slowly and he pretended not to see me. In fact, he distinctly turned his head the other direction in an effort that I might not see him. I think he learned that from Adeleigh. But I did see him! I slowly approached him, horns poking out of the top of head, put my face next to his and whispered, "You have until Monday."
Then today when I got home from work, Phaeton couldn't wait to show me what he'd done. He'd removed the bottom rungs off the table and wrapped a big pink bow around it, hoping that I couldn't resist and would let the coffee table stay. I wasn't convinced. Then he showed me something else, and I realized I was a little premature in my decision and could give the table another chance....

So, to the behemoth coffee table that almost ate my daughter: You have one more chance. If you screw it up, instead of throwing you in the dump, I will go Pinterest on you, wrestle you upside down and turn you pink.

Pinned by Six in the Suburbs